~~~~~~~Today, I guess I start anew.~~~~~~~

After all, It's been too -=l=o=n=g=-.

Where does all the time go?

The WHOLE story is told through the details!

I can't help it sometimes. I have to know what is connected where, and why? What are our motivations, as we act as human beings? I find myself fitting things together like this...connections I would have never made otherwise. I can't help it. Sometimes, I lose a lot of sleep letting my brain do this. It helps me build, it helps me see, and for it, I know who I am, and who you are to me. Read into that what you will, because it has a different meaning for each of you.
Sometimes it helps me get into your head. Sometimes you do.

I have just noticed how much I have changed, and how much of my life has stagnated. There's an odd mixture, and a lot I haven't even begun to think about. The gears are turning again, and an old machine is at work. I hope it is revealed to have a better engine this time.

I never imagined myself not smoking. Even before I smoked, I never gave much thought to it. I may have been too young. When I did smoke, I didn't, until this year, honestly consider giving it up. I remember when I started. It was winter, I was 16 years old. I was such an ass then. My sister described that time of my life as such: "You didn't care what anyone said, you did what you wanted!" I would say I did what I was capable of, and had the will to...but you get the idea. My step-father came outside for some random reason, and asked if I was taking a smoke break. I told him yes, and he about shit a lobster. Since then, what I consider my true smoking time (I had tried it when I was fourteen or so, but quickly let it go) consisted of me inhaling about a pack a day of money and nicotine, with various other additives. It has been truly wasteful. What do I have to show for it but thousands of dollars lost, and poor sinuses? I did enjoy it though. I really liked my Camels, especially the Turkish Royals. But now, I have quit. I guess it's good. It definitely has some great benefits, some obvious, others not so much. Either way it's done. It doesn't make me feel like a different person...but I am. Not for that reason, but for many small things, that have snowballed out of my control. Many things have occurred, with and without my participation, right under my nose. I am pretty satisfied with the changes, as usual. But the stagnation in my life, mainly with my job, is driving me nuts. I almost want to cry when I think about how long I'm stuck there...I hate the capitalist with a passion, but my birth into this country put me into contract of wage-slavery, and so, there isn't much that can be immediately done. Want to know the best way to beat a capitalist at his own game? Move like a trickle of water, and slowly gnaw away at the foundations of his slavery. Eventually his house will come crashing down, and you will be free, at least, for a moment. I guess freedom is relative...but I still think, I know, I breathe, that it is worth dying for. I would rather die a free man, than live a slave. Sometimes that's just not practical. But if it comes down to it, for the ultimate choice between death and no amount of freedom, death I will invoke. What a sweet decision it will be.

I just don't know where I am going. There is too much to consider, it has all gotten away from my usually watchful eye.

After all, It's been too -=l=o=n=g=-.

Where does all the time go?