Friday, March 05, 2004
Ok, my xanga account is down, so I must vent here. First off, I would like to say thanks for the people that still come to the website. TB has agreed to update the pages and questions. Now its time for me to go off on a major tangent. First off, the system at work today is up and down, up and down, it makes it hard to be customer service when you cannot look up accounts and payment informaiton. I am upset today, because things have been going down hill all day long.
RANT: Marriage, its not a fad, its not sometime to do because your friends are doing it, it a decision that you want to make that alters your life forever. Its not something that should be taken lightly and its not something that you just decide to do one day and then later on say I am out. That may be what society has become, but that is not my ideal view of marriage. For me to get married, I want the following:
A devoted female that I can trust, a female that is willing to listen to me and understand, a female that will not sit whine and cry until they get what they want.
Have I found what I want, well, at first I thought I had when I met lauren. She was great, she loved to have fun, she seemed interested in me, which was a good change. She always wanted to be near me and everything appeared all and well. Then a few days past and I started to find out things, She has been with an insane amount of guys, never paid any of her bills, and she manages to get kicked out of her house within the first few days of dating her. So what am I supposed to do, let her live on her own? Since I have a stable family, stable lifestyle, and my parents have a nice open mind and refuse to let anyone go homeless. They let her move into her own room at the house. So within the first few weeks, I have all this happen to me.
All this happened over the summer, Jen left because she wanted to pursue her career in education and did not feel that we could make it any longer. Jen and I had a very meaningful relationship, problem was it was based on convience. We only saw each other once or twice a week because of our life styles. I run oberlinx, go to work for "the company", and go to school full time. Seeing how jen was my first true love, we had a wonderful bond, I was and still able to talk to her when I am feelign lonely or upset, she tries to tell me that it will be ok. I was ready to get married to jen, but realized that it would not have worked because we are both too career oreniated. She wanted to go play in academia and I wanted a person that would be willing to stay home, once I was fully employed.
Now lets get back to the summer time, I basically was talking to lauren for a long time, she was my best friends first girl friend, they broke up because she decided to cheat on him. That was a very long time ago, we are talking 6-7 years ago. So I thought that she may have changed, I kept talking to her over the years. Then she had some more problems come up, of course all her problems come from her making them in first place. After she got kicked out she came to chill with us, after I had only been dating her for 3 days. Then I find out more stuff with her bills that she has not paid, a court problem, and an insurance company suing her. All this time, I have been by her side trying to find ways to help her deal with her life and the problems that she has created.
Meanwhile, I am running my business, going to school and work. As if I did not have enough on my mind from graduating. See, since most of you dont know me, I will try to layout my personality, I pay all my bills in advance, never miss payment, strong family realtionship, and I love to get a laugh out of people. To be seeing a girl that is so opposite of me was weird for everyone, but she was so nice and liked me for who I am. She has been with me for everday for the last 8 months.
I have tried to get her to change and show her that, she may have put her self in the hole, she can get out. Told her to talk to people and make payment arrangements, she has been holding two jobs now and making very good progress. She has made very positive improvements, but then as time moved on she watched as some of her friends, and the people that I work with got married. She then starts thinking that she too can get married. The problem is that I want to have a nice life, I save up money for anything that I want including marriage. I have not got my own car yet, and she would like me to spend a good amount of money on a ring so that she can get engaged. I have over 16,000 dollars worth of student debt, I will be buying a 20k dollar car/suv, and she wants me to move out, get a house, and start a life. She does not have any realistic approach. Before I step into that part of my life, I would like to pay off my student loans, get used to have having a car payment, then maybe move out and get used to be out on my own. The fact is she thinks that we can make it, the truth of the matter is that it is not finaiclaly possible to do that. I have to clear my bills off enough, so that I can afford to move out. But I have to save up money to put a down payment on a house. Her credit rating is not something banks are willing to jump at, so I will have to be able to get a house on my own.
The truth of the matter is not a question, whether I love her or not, the question is why she is so eager to get married. I have too much debt right now to be thinking about a marriage, I have too much on my mind to be thinking about marriage, there is no stable ground to stand on. Then she has the nerve to the reason that I do not want to get married is because I dont love her. It is because I love her that I do not want to get married yet, cause I do not want to cause her anymore grief. There are too many unknowns in the future, and I am not ready.
So, I guess, lauren is going to leave me cause I want to protect her from hurting her more. That is fine, but I refuse to get strong armed into a marriage that is not going to be finaically possible for a very long time. Well, so. I have made my case. Through all of this I have been understanding, caring, and willing to make a lot of changes in my life. She is not willing to wait on marriage than so be it, I am not going to fight it. I am going to move on with my life. She is trying hard and her effort is there, but I am not ready for marriage and I am not going to get engaged until I am mentally and fincially ready.
My question to all of you out there, would you get married if you were in my situation? Just coming out of college, with student loans, a new car coming, and never been out on your own? With so many unknowns that you could be making the most uninformed decsion that could alter the rest of your life. Thats what I thought.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Wow, I have really missed out on the blogger train. Apparently. I have nothing much to say except I have a lot of work and no one is updating anymore. I need to find me some peoples to help update. Cause no one can do it anymore they are too busy :( I cant do it cause I am too busy too. If ya want to help update send me an e-mail. I have 300 e-mails or so that need to be sorted through. Maybe I should find TB and see if he wants to update. I think I may do that.
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